This time last year I was probably the happiest I’d been in a long time. I didn’t have the burdens I’d been carrying around for so long. I was having the time of my life. I was experiencing so much and learning so many things. I was making memories that I’ll treasure forever.
This time two years ago I was in the middle of a long battle with so many issues. I was about to go something that would completely change everything I was used to. I was about to lose a lot, deal with a lot and gain a lot of knowledge the hardest way thinkable to me.
This time three years ago I was about to start the horrible journey that I’m still encountering. I was about to go through things that still effect me now and will still be with me in years to come. I was making the worst decisions of my life that would take my life to a very dark place.
This time four years ago I had just started a new chapter in my life. I was starting something that completely turned my life in a different direction. I was at the beginning of an emotional rollercoaster that I still don’t know if it has made my life better or worse.
This time five, six, seven years ago I was happy and free of worries. I had no issues, I had none of the issues that are the biggest part of my life today and will inevitably always be a part of me. I was so care-free that I don’t even remember anything bad from those years. I’ve had so much happen in just the past four years that I can’t even remember those years clearly.
I’ve had so many highs and lows, so many experiences and memories, so many people leave and enter my life and so many changes that I just can’t fathom how much my life has progressed. I never thought I’d go through half the stuff I have gone through, let alone in 3 short years of my life. I can think about the issues I’ve added to my life, how many people are completely gone of my life, how many nights I’ve spent having mental breakdowns. And I always will think about those, whether I want to or not. But then there’s also the life lessons I’ve learnt, the true friends I’ve discovered from bad experiences and the significant milestones I’ve achieved. I have to remember these parts too.
Lately I’ve just been looking back and realising how much can happen in such a small amount of time. It’s crazy how many things that seem so substantial at the time happen in one year. But now I look back and the little details that meant so much to me, are so forgettable. I can’t even begin to list all the events, the dramas, the people, the issues that have all added up. Who knows how much more will occur and how much it’ll all change in the next four years. Despite wanting to forget these moments because of how bad they made me feel I really wish I could remember them each so clearly because they really were such a large part of my life and the majority of my teenager years. They added up to make huge changes in my life and create issues in my life that I never even knew existed. The bad days weeks and months impacted me in ways I didn’t know I could be impacted but they also taught me so so much whether I saw it at the time or not. All of those massive moments have all blended into one blob of a year that I struggle to remember.
There were times when I had so many friends, I had a large group, I’d get invited to parties. I’d struggle to find a new outfit for every occasion and there were even times I’d have to decline invitations because I had other plans. There were times I enjoyed getting out, I did things with my life, I enjoyed putting in the effort. I used to be able to cope, I wouldn’t constantly look in the mirror and point out my flaws or promise myself I’d lose 5 kilos. I enjoyed my life, I loved who I was and I wasn’t going to let anything or anyone change me. These days are distant memories to me and I’ve moved so far away from this lifestyle. I wish I wasn’t so used to the way I currently feel but as sad as it is to say out loud, it’s normal for me. It never occurred to me how much I miss it the “old me” or my “old life”. But nevertheless I’m so thankful to be where I am today and I do not begrudge it at all because I am content with what I have and so lucky. We all miss the past from time to time and miss is probably an overstatement in my case because I really am do grateful for the life I have now. I may not be completely happy with my body or face but I have to remember that I have a functioning body. I may not have a very exciting social life but I’ve got friends I’ll treasure forever. I also have time for myself, to relax, to breathe and that is crucial for my recovery. I have amazing close friends, I’m getting help and I’m not as sad and deep into certain issues as I used to be. I might think I miss those times on rare occasions but in all honesty, I don’t want to go back there. I was blessed back then, I was blessed 10 years ago but I am just as blessed in this moment.
I’m nowhere near better and who knows if or when that’ll happen but I could be worse. I could be how I was a year and half/two and a half years ago. Things have escalated so much and so quickly that it’s hard for me to think about when it all truly started and when it was all at it’s worst. I know I’ll never be free from these demons and once again, it’s crazy to think that few minor “glitches” could lead to something so so enormous. Something that I carry around everyday, something that is a life-long problem is caused by one wrong decision. One heavy feeling created a tornado, a knot, a mess in my precious life. It scares me to look back and think about how low I really was and the extent that things got to. It worries me that I could so easily slip back into that.
It really has clicked how much time has passed but in reality how little time has passed. Whether you see it as a small or a large amount of time, so many changes have occurred in my own life but also in the world around me. I’ve been through a lot of stuff, good and bad and in the end it’s taken it’s toll, it’s benefited me and it’s added something to my life. There is always going to be positive and negative things in life and they’ll always leave a positive or negative effect. The past few years have been a majority of negative situations and that’s the only way I can look at it. It’s hard for me to think of major positive things that have happened in recent years but in saying that, I’ve had so many precious simple moments that have made me smile. Right now I’ve got a lot of negative going on and I’ve got a lot of personal issues to sort out but the positive is that they are being dealt with and the outcome can only be positive. I’m still not sure if I see it as a downward spiral or an uphill battle but it’s been a hell of a ride and I’m not ready to get off just yet. I’m terrified but somewhat excited to see where the next few years will take me, what direction I’ll turn and what journeys god will send me on. Time is everything and only time will tell…..